Date: 6th -8th April, 2018
Location: Mt. Ruapehu
Trampers: Archana Kumaraswamy, Thomas Chu, Conor Nelson, Emily McGeorge, Howard Guan, Ingemar Watt, Jason Rosinger, Kabir Khandpur, Liam Schuitemaker, Lorenzo Posada, Malin Luedicke, Nathan Kamsma, Sean Thomson, Timothy Gijbels, Timothy Gray Author: Timothy Gray
Conor Nelson, soldier of the Revolution, Ironing.
“Mr Gray, do you know why we are questioning you today?”
Timothy “High Temperature” Gray, founding member of the radical Extreme Ironing movement, nods his head gently as officers Minogue and O’Leary begin their line of questioning. A small video camera and the chief of police look on from behind a one way mirror as the interrogation begins.
“Yes, I do know why I’m here. You believe me to be the leader of the Extreme Ironing movement. I deny all such allegations.”
“Really, sir. Then how would you explain the fact that you were earlier today caught trespassing in Tongariro National Park in the possession of this?” Officer Minogue produces an evidence bag containing an iron. He continues, “This iron was found on your person near the summit plateau of Mt Ruapehu where you were detained by our officers. Do you deny that this is your iron?”
“I deny it! I demand to see a lawyer!”
“There are no law students in AUTC, you should know that by now” says Officer O’Leary calmly.
“Exactly. And I don’t think even a lawyer would be able to claim that the iron shaped tattoo on your buttocks was the result of an unfortunate household accident” says Officer Minogue. From behind the one way mirror, the chief sniggers to himself quietly.
“We’re willing to be lenient and reduce your sentence if you tell us who your accomplices were and why you were up there with and ironing board. It’s in your best interest to plead guilty” says Officer O’Leary.
“Very well then, officers. This is my iron, and the buttock tattoo signifies my devotion to the Extreme Ironing movement.” High Temperature continues, “We were on Mt Ruapehu to do our household chores, and to eat some camembert and caviar. These are my accomplices”, he says while producing a photo of the group.
The League of Extreme Ironists
“The Extreme Ironing Movement has been plotting its revenge for some time now. We ascended Mt Ruapehu with fine clothing, an iron, and an ironing board for the first time in January 2017, and since then have had dreams of dominating the mountains with our radical ideology. The second wave of revolutionary Ironing happened about month after the first, on Mt Taranaki. We used that opportunity to spread our glorious propaganda to the masses, by a tremendous show of force demonstrating our superiority. This time, we also introduced the bringing of fine goons wines to the summits of mountains, which we feel allows for better ironing to be done.”
“The third wave of revolution in 2017 was the strongest, with more ironists than we had ever had before. Our ascent of Mt Ngauruhoe on this occasion was wildly successful, as we were able to spread our radical ideology to a wider audience than ever before. This ascent also incorporated another element into our party doctrine, with the addition of fine cheese and caviar to the list of items to bring up mountains. We offered our caviar freely to all those on the summit who would take it while dressed in our formalwear. As Extreme Ironists, we feel obliged to spread the luxury goods of the bourgeoisie to the masses in order to stimulate the revolution of the oppressed 1% against the inferior 99%.”
“Enough of your revolutionary talk, tell us what you were doing on Mt Ruapehu this year!” shouts Minogue, slipping effortlessly into his Bad Cop persona he’d been working on for the past 2 weeks.
“Ok, ok. So I wanted to climb Ngauruhoe again this year, but unfortunately you can’t really do that anymore because they’ve restricted access to the carpark. We decided to just climb Ruapehu instead, since it was looking like a nice day in the morning. We had several ironing boards and irons with us, as well as a vacuum cleaner. Everything was looking good for spreading our glorious propaganda.”
“Everything went well for the first part of the trip, we very quickly got up to the Knoll Ridge café, and started heading up to the top. Unfortunately then our superior ideology was no match for the weather, which decided to close in on us and become rather windy. The trip to the top was therefore extremely brief.”
“We headed down the mountain, hoping to enlarge our sphere of influence to the skifield. At the small hut by the top chairlift, we settled down and got to work eating our delicious bourgeois lunch. We had caviar, whiskey, wine, camembert (of the $8 variety!), and a selection of other yummy nummy treats. Life is good for those in the Extreme Ironist movement.”
“Of course, you cannot go up a mountain without ironing something. We took this opportunity to get out our ironing boards, and to do some ironing. We ironed our suits, our shirts, rocks, each other, anything we could get our hands on. We thought the rocks were a little dirty, we vacuumed them a bit to keep NZ beautiful. We took photos to document the event in the history of our ideology, and we spread our glorious propaganda” he says, producing a small leaflet:
THE EXTREME IRONIST MANIFESTO:
IT IS THE DUTY OF ALL EXTREME IRONISTS TO ADHERE TO THESE DIVINE RULES:
CLIMB MOUNTAINS
KEEP YOUR SHIRTS WELL PRESSED AT ALL TIMES (ESPECIALLY WHEN CLIMBING MOUNTAINS)
EAT LUXURIOUS FOOD, ESP. CAVIAR
HONOUR THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA (NORTH KOREA)
HAVE FUN (OR ELSE)
VLADIMIR IRONICH LENIN, OCTOBER 1917
“Well Officer O’Leary, do you think we’ve heard enough?” says Officer Minogue.
“Yes, I think so. Take this revolutionary scum to the cells. His treason against the Extreme Dishwashing movement will not be forgotten. He’ll hang at dawn” replies O’Leary.
“Wait, you said you’d give me a reduced sentence! Have mercy, please!” screams High Temperature.
“Scum like you don’t deserve mercy. Now please excuse us, we’re just going to climb Mt Eden to wash our dishes. There’s no need for you to join us since you don’t have a Sea to Summit Ultra-Sil Kitchen Sink ($49.99 from Bivouac)” Minogue says sarcastically.
“NOOOOOOOOoooooooo…..”
Screams are heard as the leader of the Extreme Ironing movement is dragged to his cell. A loud clang resonates through the hall, and silence once again fills the corridor.
The leader of the Extreme Ironing movement may be gone, but his ideals shall live on!
Extreme Ironists of the world, unite!
