Author: Anton Gulley
Location: Tongariro National Park
Date: 2008
Once upon a time in a land far far away their lived a beautiful snow princess. Many brave men had sought her love but none prevailed.
One day The King Of The Mountains decided that he was developing a large stomach ulcer because his daughter, the snow princess, was not getting married. He decided that there should be a tournament at the summit of Mt Ruapehu and it be known as “Summit luncheon 2008”. The king issued invitations far and wide for many a brave man to compete at the tournament. However due to work and study commitments only three could turn up; a medieval warrior, Shane Warne and Jacky Chan.
After a week or two of intense preparation and anticipation the weekend finally arrived. The bridal party and bachelors consisted of Rion Gulley (Shane Warne), Logan Wait (medieval warrior), Jane Dudley (princess), Anton Gulley (Bridal party), Rowan Brooks (Priest), Thomas Goodman (Bridal party), Owen Lee (Jacky Chan), Craig Smith (bridal party), Monka- Boon (monkey), Kylie Brewer (photographer) and Tessie Chen (bridal party).
No sooner had they arrived at the mountain when the competition started heating up. “I am going to win!” exclaimed Logan.
“I am so strong that I can drag my suit of armour up to the New Zealand Alpine Club hut and a barbeque for the wedding after”. “It is not the strongest man but the fastest man that will win” replied Owen.
“I am going to climb to the New Zealand alpine club hut first” “Well” said Rion. “I am going to climb to NZAC hut with Owen then come back and help you bring the suit of armour and barbeque up to the hut”. By about 11 that night they were all tucked away in bed awaiting the famous summit luncheon the following day.
Also that afternoon the king’s stomach ulcer worsened, it became so bad that he could not finish his favourite cheese, peanut butter, nutella and salami crackers. The king loved these crackers so much that he went to the hospital to get them injected in to his blood stream. After the procedure he went to his friend, The Weather King’s house for their weekly game of badminton. Upon finding out what The Mountain King had just done The Weather King lost his temper.
“YOU’RE INJECTING CRACKERS IN TO YOUR BLOOD STREAM?? YOU MUST BE CRACKERS YOURSELF. WHAT A WASTE OF TAX PAYER’S MONEY”. He screamed.
He was so furious that he sent a howling wind to disrupt the tournament.
Battle faces were on the next morning at the NZAC hut. Shane Warne practiced his front foot defence, the medieval warrior shined his sword and of course Jacky Chan was born ready so he decided to go for a ski. After a strenuous application of gear the competitors and bridal party were ready to climb to the summit. It soon became apparent that the strong wind was no place for a princess and it was decided that the summit luncheon would be held in a sheltered area just below the hut.
Yells of “howzat” and “got’em” flooded the atmosphere as the tournament kicked off with a game of cricket. Fighting with swords and bats then followed.
Shane Warne sidestepped a deft blow from the medieval warrior and slammed his bat against the armour. This gave a “ding” but had no other effect. The medieval warrior swung his broad sword again, smashing it against the bat of Shane Warne. “Craack” went Shane Warne’s bat. The medieval warrior was just steeping in for the final blow when a loud “brrrrrr” disrupted the fight. A snow plough was ploughing towards them. The medieval warrior mounted a challenge to gallantly save the beautiful princess from the evil machine but it soon became apparent he was no match for that giant scoop. The snow plough driver then laughed and kept on ploughing snow. Time was getting on and it was time for the snow princess to make her choice.
The princess thought to herself. “I can’t marry Shane because he will always be too worn out from texting.” “But I can’t marry Logan because I will always be waiting for him.” Then she thought about Owen Lee/Jacky Chan. She thought so long and hard that she realised she needed to have a quick sunbathe to help relax her mind. While sunbathing she realised that she could not make a ridiculous pun out of any of Owen’s names so there was no way she could marry him. She wished Miles Mason was here but of course she knew that he was miles away. She decided that she would marry Monka-Boon instead because he was really good in bed.
Sausages where cooked and champagne uncorked as the wedding ceremony lasted a long 15min in to the afternoon. The newlywed couple then drove back to wellington for their honeymoon. Now that the princess was married the king’s stomach ulcer disappeared and they lived happily ever after.
