The Great Mount Pirongia Epic Odyssey

The Great Mount
Pirongia Epic Odyssey: A trail of mystery, hardship and loyalty in the face of
adversity

Le Tramping – Je t’aime. 

Day One - We quickly
adjusted our clocks to tramping time, and in classic tramping fashion we headed
out of Auckland one and a half hours late. But we did so in remarkable style –
we drove closely in convoy (and sometimes a bit too closely [Ben]), while polluting
the airwaves with the classic psychedelic trance of nostalgic musical
porn, reminiscent of Indian farm parties; the sound that we all like to call
ROMAN FM. Yeah boi!

Hilarious moment: Ben's up close mooning of Matt's face at BP. That'll teach
them to mess with Ben's Corolla.

I got it off on a
great note with one of our group, when discussing engineering and the like I had
to jest…"Why on earth would anyone want to do a Maths degree?! ...ohh wait
(turns around to back seat). Mo, don't you do a Maths degree…?" - Alastair
*awkward turtle*.

Ngaruawahia - it was
all happening there. Moving on swiftly.

We all took our time
at the Kaniwhaniwha car park deciding what to leave behind. Several very
difficult decisions had to be made. "Hmm, nah, I won't take any spirits,
I'll just take my machete and axe.” [Reminder to self: Do not pick fight with
Roman…]

We warmed into the
hike with an idyllic stroll along a meandering river, surrounded by peaceful
farmland. This seemed to bring out the hippy side in a certain few… the award
for Smoothest Operator goes to:
Roman, for this stunning dialogue.

Roman: "My star-sign
is Aries. What's yours?"

Katie: "Sagittarius. What does that
mean?"

Roman: "It means that you're a fire sign, and
you're compatible with the other fire sign."

Katie: "What's the other fire sign?"

Roman: "Aries."

Nice try mate.

Further along the trail we stopped for a scroggin break to admire one of
the incredible feats of engineering in the park. While
unsuccessfully attempting to top Roman’s act of balance on the wire cables of
the swing-bridge, Ben earned the Epic bail Award when he bashed his balls on a rock. Hope he didn't want babies.

From the swing-bridge
we took a ten minute detour to eye up NZ’s tallest native tree. Ben took an
abstract view on the 66.5m Kahikatea tree… "Looks like Luey's twin brother
lying down on the ground hard".

Now heading into real
wilderness territory, some of you may think we could be at risk in case
something went wrong. “What’s your back-up plan in case of emergency?” you ask,
with a series of wrinkles carved into your forehead resembling the contour
lines of a steep cliff. Not only is our tramp leader, Matt, a member of the
military, and his amigo Roman armed with several sharpened objects, but we also
have AUTC Alpine Officer Craig Smith on call. After all, ‎"Craig doesn't drop in SAS style, SAS drops in Craig
style".

With every great
adventure, there are some obstacles. Ours came in the form of a big hill. Everyone
moaned... and not in a good way. And for some, the downhill companion to this
ascent was even more of a struggle. Alastair: "Just lean forward and let
yourself glide down the hill effortlessly… See, just like that" Katie: "Okay,
watch my effortless glii-iiii-iiide!" *BOOM*.

Nearing the end of the
day we discussed what other tramps we’d done with good old AUTC. It seemed only
one thing was holding Katie back from getting out and doing more… "I felt
out of place at the AUTC trips launch meeting in a floral skirt, pink shoes,
turtle neck sweater and indie glasses...why didn't I just wear polyprops?!"
Katie confessed, obviously the only fashionable tramper. Roman was the polar
opposite: "I'm too stylish to attend tramping meetings".

Despite our fooling
around, we still managed to out-tramp the darkness, making it to the campsite
before sunset. Ironically, this gave us just enough light to see what a blunder
we’d made back at the car park…

Least memorable moment: forgetting to bring enough tents. Luckily three people could
sleep in the structural masterpiece that is Roman's Bivouac, and the remaining
five got cosy in the single tent. You can always trust Roman to have a man
sized Tarp.

Moroccan Lamb curry
with chickpeas smothered (amazingly not soggy) rice for a satisfying dinner. Finally,
the crucial course of the day: Dessert - "How much chocolate do we have?"
Reply: "one block", "four blocks", "three blocks"...
"I have nuts?" - Roman, the nutty Russian.

Our close proximity in
the tent allowed everyone to get to know each other better that night, and
Andrew kicked it off with a startling observation about Roman's ninja like
appearance… “There's something surreal about your eyes, Roman… they are quietly
psychopathical.” Complement? You decide. We also got well acquainted with
another side of Ben, that is, his insides…
The award for Farting and Looking Guilty goes to: Ben...enough said. Ben was reminded of his place with a
series of attacks… "You're a total POM, a prisoner of Mother England!"
hollered Roman.

After a long day, we
were exhausted, and after all it was holidays. We slept in until 9:30am, that’s
twelve hours of beauty slumber. And boy did we all look beautiful afterwards. Well,
all except one… Kaisui somehow got the short end of the straw and ended up on
the downhill side of the tent. Anyone with a clue about condensation can fill
in the gaps. So…

The Wettest Night’s Sleep Award goes to: Kaisui, for sleeping the first night against the tent wall and
soaking the down sleeping bag she borrowed from Craig. Good one Kai. Ben’s
damage report was fairly accurate: "It's somewhere between reasonably
saturated and a fair bit damp". Matt, being the sacrificing, generous type,
bit the bullet and swapped bags with poor Kaisui for the following night.

Lillis = Legend. Matt
created an orgasmic breakfast of freshly baked sleep-deprived bread, fried eggs,
topped with creamy hollandaise sauce. Matt, we love you.

Although the day
started off well, the heavens soon started to break as we began the assault to
the highest peaks of the park. Everyone was quick to don the rain jackets as we
cooled down, except one… The award for the  Longest Time enduring the conditions in a Singlet
goes to: Andrew. "Yeah
I don't really do rain jackets eh"...and it's true, he doesn’t. But it was
all for a good cause, as Andrew also gains the Most Likely to beat Nature at
its own Game award: for
always having an edge in the ongoing duel, Luey vs. Wild. A worthy fight, may
the best man win.

As the ascent up to
The Cone (953m) got serious, we were forced to fend off everything it threw at
us – loose and slippery rocks, steep drop-offs of no return, and most of all,
MUD. Even Matt “The Calm” Lillis raised a temper, "F*ck, there's mud!"
The award for the Muddiest Mud Bath goes to: Katie for the full knee high dunking. Good thing it
wasn't Mo. I also got tricked by the deep muddy bogs, when my revenge on Ben
backfired… Least Successful mud splash Award goes to: Alastair for the attempted mud splashing of Ben. He concluded
that one should "always check the depth before you jump" when he
almost broke both his ankles on a hidden log floating near the surface.

To make things a little
more exciting, Roman decided that Kaisui would make it up the hill faster if he
relieved her of her pack. Rambo-style, he heaved the extra pack over his
shoulder just like an injured child, while clambering up the steep slopes. At
times when both hands were needed he would toss the pack ahead (probably not
just like an injured child), before picking it up again. This was no mean feat
when considering Roman’s set of snack-foods. “Roman, what food did you bring?”,
“Oh, just a couple can of peaches, can of creamed rice, canned tuna, canned
corned beef, canned mutton…” I think you would agree Roman earns the award for
the Heaviest Possible Pack.

7 long hours after
starting that morning (if you call an 11:45am start ‘morning’), we made the
victorious cry of “I SEE HUT!” Now Matt really started to show off with a meal
he calls ‘Penne Mediterranean’. Recipe: Fry red onions, capsicum and bacon,
cook enough Penne pasta to feed an army, and glue together with enough feta
cheese until gooey, greasy, and delicious. Respect.  

The next morning was a
beauty! A short jog took us to the summit, Mt Pirongia, the highest point all
around, a mind blowing 958m – not bad for the Waikato! Ben spoke his mind,
showing utter disrespect for Matt and Ashleigh’s home town, "If I had a
camera and Facebook I’d take a photo of that [Hamilton] and call it a hole from
a distance". Yet to see this tag, Ben? Mt Ruapehu and Mt Taranaki also
stood proudly in the distance.

The rest we might say
was smooth sailing, gravity did his part and we got the footing right. We daydreamed
about paragliding off ledges, running down steep, rooty sections and other
ruthless stuff like that.  Our first
glimpses of humanity again were two gypsy-like characters strolling along the
river path homewards. Nice.

All in all, a
fantastic tramp – better food than home, great company and most importantly,
lots of mud. What tramp would be complete without that?!

‘Till we tramp again,
thanks for reading – do be sure to enjoy the following hilarious quotes and
awards that were so irrelevant that they didn’t even fit in the story but still
deserve a mention.

From the Pirongia Crew – Adios!

…Other Noteworthy Awards:

Funniest reaction to a
fart: Kaisui. *stops mid sentence and simultaneous
silence* ... "Ooohh!"

Best banana cake: Alastair...Happy Birthday Matt!

Most optimistic
outlook: Matt (“We're going to wake up at 7am")...Yeah
right

Least successful mud
splash/jump: Alastair for the
attempted mud splashing of Ben. He concluded that one should "always check
the depth before you jump" when he almost broke both his ankles on a
hidden log floating near the surface.

The most unnecessary
swearing: Kaisui ("I could never imagine f*cking
a woman" and "It's so f*cking muddy")

Longest hair: Mo for taking that large load of hair up to the top of the
cone, what a legend!

Shortest hair: Matt, you're army is showing.

Craziest hair: Katie, for the permanent ‘just out of bed’ look.

Most minimalistic
footwear (though with a really long name):
Roman and his Frog-feet-like “Vibram FiveFinger” shoes…we hesitate at even
calling them shoes!

Most disgusting quote: Roman's friend ("I got hemorrhoids from playing all
night...Call of Duty 4 of course...")

Most excessive cotton
wardrobe: Kaisui for violating the zero-cotton law of
tramping, many, many times. One day, she will learn.

Best tramping
invention: Bottom Bunk Crew for creating the Vibroork. "Who
needs a Spork when you have a Vibroork!™" - The ultimate lightweight outdoors
accessory, do not go on your next tramp without one - one half vibrator, one
half Spork - buy one at Kathmandu today! Note: the Vibroork™ must
be washed between uses.”

Best prepared tramper: Mo, for having the best selection of tramping gear (but
probably the least money because of it).

Other Funny Quotes:

"Hello Ben, we've
been waiting for you" - Ben's stalker friends

"Ah we're going
to Ashleigh's...that's almost as good as McDonalds" - Matt

"Put your hands
up if you're a dude with really neat legible handwriting...or just if you're
gay" - Ben

"How can you burp
that way and suck it back in? Can you please teach me?"- Kaisui

"I don't usually
like facial hair but Roman's beard is intentional and a little bit sexy" –
Kai

"Everything that
comes out of my mouth is genius" - Alastair the modest

"Keeps my head
held up high..." - Matt talking about his pocket snake, still a boy at
heart.

"McDowell...I
like that name, a lot" - Katie to Alastair...or so he says

Andrew: "Why did
you buy so many peanuts?"         Roman:  "I was at the supermarket and went nuts."

PS: The Vibroork™ will be hitting your Kathmandu shelves soon,
don’t miss out!